Every once in a while, you open a newspaper and find an older couple looking out at you from the pages, honored for accomplishing a major marriage milestone — 65, 70 or even 75 years together. They’re still smiling, still holding hands, still the apple of each other’s eye. Often, what’s even more awe-inspiring than the sheer longevity of their relationship is the fact that, once you dip below the surface and read their story, it becomes clear that along with the joys they weathered heartaches and tragedies and sorrows. These are couples who took the vow of “for better or for worse” to heart and truly believe that marriage is meant to last forever.
At the other end of the spectrum is the endless parade of studies predicting the demise of marriage — the increase in cohabitation, the indifference to sacred vows, the rise of out-of-wedlock births, the devastating divorce rate. And somewhere in between are all the other married couples, trying hard to do more than simply avoid becoming a statistic, trying to become one of those smiling old couples.
Marriage is beautiful and difficult all at the same time. It is full of joys and sorrows, much like the whole of life.
But for those who make the commitment and work hard to do it well, marriage is a lifelong blessing with lots of practical benefits to go with it.
The trouble is that too many people today, especially young, primed-to-be married couples, are losing sight of those blessings and thinking they can come up with a better plan: cohabitation. The end result is often heartbreak, instability and an easy way out when the inevitable rough patches arise.
A recent study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says that, of the women interviewed between 2006 and 2010, 48 percent “cohabited with their partner as a first union,” compared with 34 percent in 1995. For women with only a high school education, that number jumps to 70 percent. And nearly 20 percent of all women living with a partner outside of marriage became pregnant within the first year of cohabitation.
It’s a dramatic change from just a generation ago, a new reality seen not only in everyday American lives but touted on the front pages of the celebrity tabloids. With increasing frequency, marriage seems to be seen as an optional add-on when it comes to family life. Ask any cohabiting couple about their relationship, and they’re likely to say what they’ve got is no different or just as good as marriage, but studies and marriage experts warn otherwise.
Intentional vs. accidental
The Catholic Church understands marriage as a sacrament intended to create intimacy and commitment on a level far above any other sort of “contract.” A sacramental marriage — a “covenant” between a husband and wife that is sealed before God and the community — fosters overall health and happiness between the spouses and among their children.
Gregory Popcak, a psychotherapist who is the author of For Better … Forever! A Catholic Guide to Lifelong Marriage (OSV, $14.95) and the host of “More2Life,” a nationally syndicated call-in radio advice show, said there are some obvious and basic differences between the commitment of marriage and the choice to cohabit. He referred to research by Dr. Scott Stanley, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver, that has shown that the main difference between cohabiting couples and married couples is what Stanley calls “sliding versus deciding.”
“In other words, the path to traditional marriage is intentional. At each step of the way — dating to serious dating to engagement to marriage with a public exchange of vows — there is a conscious decision being made to increase commitment to one another and intentionally limit one’s other choices,” Popcak told OSV.
“With cohabiting, couples slide along rather than deciding. They start sleeping together, then one person gets a drawer at the other’s place, then two, then half the closet, then I might as well move in since my stuff is here anyway, then maybe we have a kid and people start looking at us funny so we might as well get married, I guess,” he explained. “Then one member of the couple or the other wakes up one morning and says, ‘I never chose any of this! How did I get here?’ It sounds ridiculous, but that’s the way it plays out more often than not. The lack of intentionality makes all the difference in the stability, satisfaction and longevity of the relationship.”
According to “Knot Yet: The Benefits and Costs of Delayed Marriage in America,” a report from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, and the RELATE Institute, “children born outside of marriage — including to cohabiting couples — are much more likely to experience family instability, school failure, and emotional problems. In fact, children born to cohabiting couples are three times more likely to see their parents break up, compared to children born to married parents.”
Popcak says it all goes back to the intentionality of marriage and the willingness to publicly commit to another person. Although cohabiting may seem like a fine alternative, couples are often “making up the relationship as they go,” he said.
Faith factor
And to differentiate things even further, a sacramental marriage brings the element of faith into the mix, which only serves to increase a couple’s odds that they will avoid divorce.
“Virtually every study shows that faith is a tremendously positive factor in marriage. Couples who go to church regularly — and especially those who pray together — report happier and more stable marriages, better sex lives and deeper intimacy in general. People-of-faith, in general, are more comfortable with the whole idea of intimacy than people who do not have a strong spiritual life, largely because faith is all about cultivating the kind of healthy vulnerability that allows intimacy to flourish. If a couple struggles to be intimate spiritually, chances are that will play itself out in other dimensions of the relationship,” said Popcak, who is also director of the Pastoral Solutions Institute.
Judy Psota, executive director of the Pastoral Life Department for the Diocese of Metuchen, N.J., knows firsthand the power of faith to strengthen a relationship, heal wounds and confront challenges. Married to her husband, Carl, for 48 years, she said that from the beginning they promised each other that God needed to be an important part of their relationship.
“It was our faith in him and our commitment to one another that helped us through some of the more difficult times in our marriage. When our children were younger, we couldn’t afford baby sitters and fancy restaurants but we knew having a once-a-week date night was essential. So we improvised. Once we put the children to bed we enjoyed late candlelit dinners because it gave us a chance to catch up and focus on each other,” she said, explaining that throughout their marriage, their children knew that Saturday nights were reserved for mom and dad.
Psota also stresses the importance of taking advantage of marriage enrichment opportunities available within the Church, such as seminars, retreats and Worldwide Marriage Encounter. She and Carl also participate as volunteers in Pre-Cana, baptismal preparation classes and other marriage ministries, which have helped keep their own lines of communication open.
“We have lived and continue to live through our marriage vows, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. Faith in God and in one another is critical to our marriage,” she told OSV. “There have been times when fear of death because of a serious illness affecting one of us was overwhelming. Without God’s grace, prayer and faith, I’m not sure how we would have been able to survive seemingly insurmountable obstacles.”
Cohabitation’s risks
For cohabiting couples those “seemingly insurmountable obstacles” are often where the relationship breaks down. Without God at the center, without vows and commitment to bind them to each other, it is perhaps not easy but certainly easier to walk away, especially in our quick-fix society where everything is seen as disposable or replaceable. And even if cohabiting couples eventually marry, the long-term statistics aren’t pretty.
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| Sacramental marriage fosters overall health and happiness among spouses and their children. Thinkstock |
According to “For Your Marriage”, an initiative of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, on average, a marriage preceded by cohabitation is 46 percent more likely to end in divorce than a relationship that did not begin with “living together.”
“It’s no secret that many couples are cohabiting, that is, living together in a sexual relationship without marriage. Currently, 60 percent of all marriages are preceded by cohabitation, but fewer than half of cohabiting unions end in marriage,” the For Your Marriage site states.
“Many couples believe — mistakenly — that cohabitation will lower their risk of divorce. This is an understandable misconception, since many people are the children of divorce, or have other family members or friends who have divorced.”
So, how do we as a society reverse the trend? Show, don’t just tell, say the experts.
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| Judy Psota, executive director of the Pastoral Life Department of the Diocese of Metuchen, N.J. |
Psota said that one of the most valuable investments in the future of an engaged couple is a sponsor-couple program. Engaged couples are paired with experienced, well-balanced married team couples who meet to assist them with marriage formation and continue to provide support and encouragement after the wedding. Popcak also stressed the significance of teaching by example.
“We need to model the power of a good marriage to our young people,” he said. “Marriage doesn’t have to be perfect to be an effective witness, but if we can show our children more of a model of a couple who genuinely works hard to take care of each other and be there for each other no matter what, we are showing them that marriage isn’t, ‘just a piece of paper’ but a real, dynamic, and positive thing.”
Mary DeTurris Poust is the author of Walking Together: Discovering the Catholic Tradition of Spiritual Friendship” (Ave Maria Press, $13.95).
| Seeking God's will |
Hallie Lord, editor and contributing author of Style, Sex, and Substance: 10 Catholic Women Consider the Things that Really Matter” (OSV, $14.95); blogger at MoxieWife.com. Married to Dan Lord for 12 years; living in South Carolina. Mother of six ranging in age from 9 years to 2 months.
Most critical thing that keeps marriage strong:
“The single most fruitful thing we’ve done as a couple is to ask God to make his will clear to us before we make any big decisions. We then commit to following his call no matter how insane it may sound. He’s taken us down some crazy roads, but he’s never steered us wrong.”
The importance of faith:
“It’s everything. Without it I feel certain that my marriage would have been over years ago. While we haven’t faced any of the typical crises (such as infidelity) that might drive a wedge between a couple, left to my own devices I would be a selfish, mean-spirited, and cynical individual — a person easily capable of destroying a marriage. I am utterly reliant upon God’s grace and transforming power. He is the one that keeps our marriage thriving.”
Ways to refocus on being a couple:
“We do try to have regular date nights. More often than not this ends up being a stay-at-home date night, but we make sure that romance makes an appearance at least once a week. If I’ve learned anything about romance since being married, it’s that it need not be extravagant to be meaningful. It does need to occur on a regular basis, though. Far too often I think couples forget that their roles as husband and wife need to come before their roles as parents. Marriage is the bedrock of family life, and keeping it strong is absolutely essential.”
Parting thoughts:
“All marriages go through periods of darkness. It’s important to remember, though, that these phases rarely last forever. So many of us hit a rough patch, look at the tragically high rate of divorce, and despair that the end of our union is near. Despair is so destructive, though, and fearing the worst can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Trust that happier days are on the horizon, and keep your hope in Christ who has shown us that for every crucifixion, there is meant to be a resurrection.”
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| Importance of praying together |
Patrick Novecosky, editor-in-chief, Legatus magazine. Married to Michele for 11 years, with four children, ages 6, 8, 10, 11, and living in Naples, Fla.
Most critical thing that keeps marriage strong:
“Prayer. Prayer as individuals, as a couple and as a family. The family that prays together stays together. It’s cliché but true. Not only do they stay together, but they stay rooted in the Lord Jesus Christ, the author of life and source of all grace.”
The importance of faith:
“Faith is essential in our marriage. Without it, we would be without a moral compass and therefore subject to the prevailing culture, which happens to be a culture of death. Jesus Christ is our glue. He binds us together and helps us weather the storms of life, and he is our greatest joy!”
Ways to refocus on being a couple:
“We go on date nights every month to six weeks, but taking time away from the kids together is not enough. Prayer as a couple should be an essential part of the marriage. Even when I travel, I make it a point to call my wife in the evening so we can pray together on the phone. It’s that important.”
What about the inevitable struggles?
“Few of the struggles in marriage are solved quickly or easily. We need to reaffirm one another every day that we’re on the same team, striving for the same goal — heaven. Ultimately, the task of every married person is to help their spouse get to heaven. That’s hard work, but so worth it!”
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| A decision to love |
Lani Candelora. Married to Dennis for 14 years with four children, ages, 2, 5, 6, 8, and living in Rhode Island
Most critical thing that keeps marriage strong:
“The strongest part of our marriage is constant communication. We force each other to talk, no silent treatment allowed. People become used to poor communication, and it eventually becomes normal. Even on the busiest days when we are pulled in many different directions, we make time to talk to each other and involve each other in our day.
The importance of faith:
“Faith is paramount, and has been the ‘rock’ upon which our marriage is built. Understanding the great sacrament of marriage and the importance of the institution in raising children and shaping society is the most helpful tool to have when building a strong marriage … We made a decision to love each other and to always uphold the sacrament. It doesn’t happen naturally. We fall in love naturally but the rest is hard work. You make a decision to do it, and you always keep working at it. The rewards are amazing: a constant best friend with Christ’s blessing.
Ways to refocus on being a couple:
“Our biggest marital failure is not making couple time. We miss it and we crave it. Having four children in six years will do that to you. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer last year we made a vow to make more couple time. We just booked a four night summer vacation for just the two of us. Can’t wait!”
What about the inevitable struggles?
“Our marriage has faced some serious challenges. At this point my husband’s cancer has had a positive result. It was operable and surgery was successful. I won’t ever say cancer was a blessing, but it refocused our marriage and made us trust deeper in Christ. Actually the greatest trials we have had as a couple have always brought us closer to Christ and made us better people in the end.”
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| Built on a foundation of faith |
Nissa Gadbois, co-owner and president of Renaissance Farms and Family Centered Living ( www.gadboisfamily.com) in Barre, Mass.
Married to Brian for 22 years with nine children ranging in age from newborn to 20.
Most critical thing that keeps marriage strong:
“Prayer — together and alone. I always say that I get better results when I sic God on him than when I nag. I’m sure Brian would agree that the same is true concerning me. Also, keep talking to each other. The silent treatment or avoidance gets you nowhere but bitter.”
The importance of faith:
“Faith is everything in our marriage. It is the foundation of our marriage, and our constant guide. … We have been especially fortunate to have attended diaconate formation together. Those five years of education gave us a closer look and deeper understanding of virtually every aspect of Catholic theology, plus an extensive list of resources to call on when we have a question. And we do call on those resources, time and again, to refresh and reinforce our commitment to each other, our family and our community.
Practical suggestions for other couples:
“Pray together. For many younger couples, this is really difficult and uncomfortable at first. Start with an established prayer or devotion — like the rosary or evening prayer. Go to Mass, of course. If your parish or diocese offers a program for married couples and your family schedule allows, attend that program. You’ll meet lots of other couples with similar challenges — and with diverse perspectives on addressing them.
Laugh together! You know what makes each of you laugh — plan lots of it. Laughter really is awesome medicine.
Do little things for each other. One tiny little thing done daily throughout marriage speaks powerfully.
Parting thoughts:
“Marriage won’t always be that easy, exuberant thing it is when couples first get married. It’s real work. It is meant to get us to heaven. It is a kind of martyrdom requiring real love. Love wills the good of another, doesn’t simply desire it. That requires sacrifice and unpleasantness sometimes. It is important not to fall into the ‘feel good’ trap. Love is more than good feelings. If you go through hard times and you stick with it, you’re doing it right. Don’t give up. The good times will come around again. They always do.”
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