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How to steer clear of pitfalls when using Facebook

Last Updated Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:46:50 PM


By Emily Stimpson

How to steer clear of pitfalls when using Facebook

Limit time on social-networking sites in favor of face-to-face communications with family and friends

It started out innocently enough. You just wanted to see the pictures of your sister's little darlings that she posted on Facebook. So you signed up.

But then, you heard from that girl who sat next to you in religion class in fifth grade. She wanted to "friend" you. So did the elderly woman at the parish who waves to you every Sunday. And the clerk at the grocery store. And some guy named Roy that you'd never even met.

Now, you have 304 "friends," notifying you that "Justine is changing the world's dirtiest diaper," and pestering you to chime in on discussions about "Dancing with the Stars." You don't want to lose control. At the rate you're going, however, you're not sure you can avoid it.

But you can.

Humility and honesty

"Facebook is a tool," said Christopher Chapman, director of adult faith formation for the Diocese of Pittsburgh. "Which means it admits of both virtuous use or abuse."

To use that tool wisely, and prevent it from becoming your one-way ticket to the dark side, you first need to cultivate a little humility.

"One of the dangers of Facebook is that it makes everyone into a mini-celebrity," Chapman said. "My tastes and thoughts are broadcast to the world in a way that makes them seem more important than they truly are."

So, think before you post your next "status update." Ask yourself whether anyone truly cares that you're "making coffee and staring into space." Then answer the question with a definitive "no," and walk away from the computer.

While you're working on humility, work equally hard at honesty.

"One of the nicknames for Facebook is 'Fakebook,' said Dr. Wally Metts, a professor of communications and media at Spring Arbor University in Michigan. "Many people's profiles don't represent who they are, but who they want people to think they are."

Granted, it's a hoot to tell your high school classmates you're a double agent risking your life for truth, goodness and the American way. But it's also a lie. And you need to go to confession when you tell those.

Sacramentality of time

You also should go to confession if you're spending so much time reading friends' "news feeds" that your spouse has started wearing widowers' weeds and your 7-year-old has become surprisingly adept at fixing his own dinner.

"The sacramentality of time has to be kept in mind," said Chapman. "We only get so much of it, and we should think carefully about how we use it."

On a daily basis, at least some of that time, said Metts, should be used to sip tea all by your lonesome or to pray in a quiet chapel, far, far away from Facebook and other social media (such as text- messaging or Twitter). Reason being? Studies indicate that the use of social media is related to a "diminished capacity for solitude." Which is a problem.

"Historically, solitude has been an incubator for the self-reflection necessary for faith and for producing great works of art, music and all other creative pursuits of excellence," Metts said. "When we're not able to be alone, we lose the capacity for reflection and creativity."

True friendship

Another rule of thumb to keep in mind: "friend" is not a verb.

"The word 'friend' is weighted with meaning," explained Sister Timothy Prokes, F.S.E., author of "At the Interface: Theology and Virtual Reality" (Fenestra Books, $15.95) "It should signify a relationship entailing commitment and the willingness to suffer for another. But as a verb, it uses people, it amasses a list of names signifying nothing."

"We have a limited capacity for relationships that really matter," added Metts. "Trying to sustain hundreds of relationships will almost inevitably distract you from sustaining a few meaningful ones."

Accordingly, Metts advises, at minimum, adjusting Facebook's privacy controls so that you only receive news feeds from people you genuinely care about. He also advises just ignoring some friend requests.

Even with privacy controls set tight, however, it's still important to preserve a little mystery about your thoughts, feelings and doings. Not only so that what you did on Friday night doesn't come back to bite you on Monday morning, but also to preserve real intimacy with your spouse or closest friends.

"Scarcity increases something's value," said Chapman. "Abundance cheapens it."

Furthermore, said Metts, "the things that can go wrong in face-to-face relationships are magnified in virtual ones because we don't have the checks in place -- facial expressions, body language and tones of voice -- that allow us to see a reflection of what we're saying or doing, and adapt accordingly."

Which is another way of saying that bodies matter. A lot. God made them. He likes them. He plans on resurrecting them. And, when possible, you should always opt for talking to a live person, rather than their virtual doppelganger. Face-to-face communication results in far fewer hurt feelings and misinterpreted motives.

It's also part of what it means to be human.

"Unlike the animals, we were created upright, capable of seeing each other eye-to-eye," said Sister Prokes. "That's a great privilege. The more we communicate virtually with one another, the more an unreal way of being present to one another replaces real presence. When that happens, we can lose the sense of what personal relationships mean, what reverence for other persons means."

Desire for community

And that would be a shame, because communicating with other persons, especially persons loved and lost, is at the heart of what is good about Facebook.

"God created us as social beings," Chapman said. "The popularity of Facebook reflects our desire for community and, when used properly, it brings people together, into each other's actual presence, to the dance or to the party.

"But," he added, "the dance or the party -- not Facebook -- is what gives us a foretaste of heaven."

Which is why, no matter how much fun you're having cyber-stalking old sweethearts and debating bank bailouts with distant cousins, Metts warns, "Just as the unexamined life is not worth living, the unexamined Facebook is not worth using."

Facebook lexicon

Facebook: An online social-networking site used by 175 million people to share photos, blogs, videos and information about their lives. Facebook's "stats page" claims that users spend a combined total of 3 billion minutes a day on the site.

Friend: People who follow postings on your Facebook page and who let you follow postings on theirs. According to Facebook, the average user has 120 friends.

Status updates: Virtual notices sent to users' friends about what the user is doing and where they're doing it.

News feed: Virtual ticker tape on users' homepages high- lighting news, events and activities from friends' homepages.

Emily Stimpson is an OSV contributing editor.

Rate this:
Recent Comments
What great advice. Thanks for the reminder to remain holy in all things, including facebook.
Posted By: sarah g on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 1:15:49 PM
I think this is a good reminder to be aware of time online vs face-to-face. I find it nice though to keep in touch with friends abroad.
Posted By: ryan cody on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 2:13:15 PM
Great advice. Thanks for the reminder especially during this week.
Posted By: Raquel G on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 3:47:54 PM
Excellent article!
Posted By: Fr. Joe Classen on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 5:06:51 PM
The article brought up good points. Like many other things, a good thing can be misused. I enjoy the family and friends contact but echo the concerns of the article about continuous news feed being sheer minutia!
Posted By: Mary L. on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 5:59:33 PM
An alternative to secular Facebook is a Catholic "Facebook" called 4Marks, www.4Marks.com (the 4 Marks of the Church, One, Holy, Catholic & Apostolic. This way if you spend time online, you'll at least be assured of wholesome pictures, articles, events. etc.
Posted By: Alice C on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 7:50:21 PM
Thanks for the gentle reminder that real relationships need to involve real encounters.
Posted By: Fr. Bruce Wilkinson on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 8:37:16 PM
Excellent article!! Thank you for the wonderful advice. I agree, a reminder to be holy in all things.
Posted By: Michelle M on Wednesday, April 08, 2009 10:58:09 PM
I had never really thought about Facebook in this aspect, but it has made me think more about how I handle using it in the future.
Posted By: Michele B on Thursday, April 09, 2009 7:42:21 AM
Nice article. Pardon the pun but it would be great to have a "Post To Your Facebook" option on it. :)
Posted By: Dwayne W on Thursday, April 09, 2009 9:26:20 AM
Ms. Stimpson is absolutely right about it being a tool. It can be used for good or ill. I found it addicting at first but my interest in it has waned largely because I crave face to face interaction with people. Here are some ways I found it to be a good thing: An old long-lost friend who remembered our conversations about Catholicism and found me on FB to get info about formal instruction, putting a young pro-life activist in touch with some important people who can help him in his particular cause, job networking, numerous prayer requests (my favorite for status updates), friends posting links to uplifting and edifying articles, and my personal favorite-keeping abreast of what my kids' friends are up to. Teenagers like to pretend they're secretive but they LOVE to tell the world what's going on with them. I've learned lots just by reading their status updates. With this knowledge and a little deduction I know who is grounded and why, who's mad at who, who's interested in who, who is trouble and should be avoided, etc. My kids and their friends think I'm clairvoyant and it has earned me a title of which I am quite proud: The Oracle.
Posted By: Margaret Blackwell on Thursday, April 09, 2009 12:18:40 PM
Very wise and balanced article. I have many friends (actual ones) who do not see these dangers and one friend who thinks that Facebook is evil simpliciter. (I Corinthians 7:31, KJV)
Posted By: Robert Scott on Thursday, April 09, 2009 2:23:09 PM
Enimvero, caveat lector et caveat scriptor, quoniam tempus fugit. Sed, abusus non tollit usum. As the Apostle Paul wrote, "See then that you walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the time, because the days are evil." (Eph. 5:15-16)
Posted By: Robert Scott on Thursday, April 09, 2009 7:30:17 PM
Great article, Emily. Except I would never write such a lame FB status.
Posted By: Justine S on Saturday, April 11, 2009 9:55:23 AM
I posted a link to your article on this week's OSV
Posted By: Patricia Oglesby on Sunday, April 12, 2009 11:19:02 AM
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