By Emily Stimpson

How to steer clear of pitfalls when using Facebook

Limit time on social-networking sites in favor of face-to-face communications with family and friends

It started out innocently enough. You just wanted to see the pictures of your sister's little darlings that she posted on Facebook. So you signed up.

But then, you heard from that girl who sat next to you in religion class in fifth grade. She wanted to "friend" you. So did the elderly woman at the parish who waves to you every Sunday. And the clerk at the grocery store. And some guy named Roy that you'd never even met.

Now, you have 304 "friends," notifying you that "Justine is changing the world's dirtiest diaper," and pestering you to chime in on discussions about "Dancing with the Stars." You don't want to lose control. At the rate you're going, however, you're not sure you can avoid it.

But you can.

Humility and honesty

"Facebook is a tool," said Christopher Chapman, director of adult faith formation for the Diocese of Pittsburgh. "Which means it admits of both virtuous use or abuse."

To use that tool wisely, and prevent it from becoming your one-way ticket to the dark side, you first need to cultivate a little humility.

"One of the dangers of Facebook is that it makes everyone into a mini-celebrity," Chapman said. "My tastes and thoughts are broadcast to the world in a way that makes them seem more important than they truly are."

So, think before you post your next "status update." Ask yourself whether anyone truly cares that you're "making coffee and staring into space." Then answer the question with a definitive "no," and walk away from the computer.

While you're working on humility, work equally hard at honesty.

"One of the nicknames for Facebook is 'Fakebook,' said Dr. Wally Metts, a professor of communications and media at Spring Arbor University in Michigan. "Many people's profiles don't represent who they are, but who they want people to think they are."

Granted, it's a hoot to tell your high school classmates you're a double agent risking your life for truth, goodness and the American way. But it's also a lie. And you need to go to confession when you tell those.

Sacramentality of time

You also should go to confession if you're spending so much time reading friends' "news feeds" that your spouse has started wearing widowers' weeds and your 7-year-old has become surprisingly adept at fixing his own dinner.

"The sacramentality of time has to be kept in mind," said Chapman. "We only get so much of it, and we should think carefully about how we use it."

On a daily basis, at least some of that time, said Metts, should be used to sip tea all by your lonesome or to pray in a quiet chapel, far, far away from Facebook and other social media (such as text- messaging or Twitter). Reason being? Studies indicate that the use of social media is related to a "diminished capacity for solitude." Which is a problem.

"Historically, solitude has been an incubator for the self-reflection necessary for faith and for producing great works of art, music and all other creative pursuits of excellence," Metts said. "When we're not able to be alone, we lose the capacity for reflection and creativity."

True friendship

Another rule of thumb to keep in mind: "friend" is not a verb.

"The word 'friend' is weighted with meaning," explained Sister Timothy Prokes, F.S.E., author of "At the Interface: Theology and Virtual Reality" (Fenestra Books, $15.95) "It should signify a relationship entailing commitment and the willingness to suffer for another. But as a verb, it uses people, it amasses a list of names signifying nothing."

"We have a limited capacity for relationships that really matter," added Metts. "Trying to sustain hundreds of relationships will almost inevitably distract you from sustaining a few meaningful ones."

Accordingly, Metts advises, at minimum, adjusting Facebook's privacy controls so that you only receive news feeds from people you genuinely care about. He also advises just ignoring some friend requests.

Even with privacy controls set tight, however, it's still important to preserve a little mystery about your thoughts, feelings and doings. Not only so that what you did on Friday night doesn't come back to bite you on Monday morning, but also to preserve real intimacy with your spouse or closest friends.

"Scarcity increases something's value," said Chapman. "Abundance cheapens it."

Furthermore, said Metts, "the things that can go wrong in face-to-face relationships are magnified in virtual ones because we don't have the checks in place -- facial expressions, body language and tones of voice -- that allow us to see a reflection of what we're saying or doing, and adapt accordingly."

Which is another way of saying that bodies matter. A lot. God made them. He likes them. He plans on resurrecting them. And, when possible, you should always opt for talking to a live person, rather than their virtual doppelganger. Face-to-face communication results in far fewer hurt feelings and misinterpreted motives.

It's also part of what it means to be human.

"Unlike the animals, we were created upright, capable of seeing each other eye-to-eye," said Sister Prokes. "That's a great privilege. The more we communicate virtually with one another, the more an unreal way of being present to one another replaces real presence. When that happens, we can lose the sense of what personal relationships mean, what reverence for other persons means."

Desire for community

And that would be a shame, because communicating with other persons, especially persons loved and lost, is at the heart of what is good about Facebook.

"God created us as social beings," Chapman said. "The popularity of Facebook reflects our desire for community and, when used properly, it brings people together, into each other's actual presence, to the dance or to the party.

"But," he added, "the dance or the party -- not Facebook -- is what gives us a foretaste of heaven."

Which is why, no matter how much fun you're having cyber-stalking old sweethearts and debating bank bailouts with distant cousins, Metts warns, "Just as the unexamined life is not worth living, the unexamined Facebook is not worth using."

Facebook lexicon

Facebook: An online social-networking site used by 175 million people to share photos, blogs, videos and information about their lives. Facebook's "stats page" claims that users spend a combined total of 3 billion minutes a day on the site.

Friend: People who follow postings on your Facebook page and who let you follow postings on theirs. According to Facebook, the average user has 120 friends.

Status updates: Virtual notices sent to users' friends about what the user is doing and where they're doing it.

News feed: Virtual ticker tape on users' homepages high- lighting news, events and activities from friends' homepages.

Emily Stimpson is an OSV contributing editor.