Troubled Teens  July 2008

By Mary Lou Rosien

The anniversary of my brother’s death has just passed. I can hardly believe that twenty-five years could have gone by, to me it seems like yesterday. My darling brother, just a few days before his twentieth birthday, shot and killed himself. We would later learn that he suffered from bipolar disorder, back then they called it manic depressive disorder. The labels didn’t really help us deal with the pain, the emptiness or the spiritual questions that were left behind.

For the many years I have worked with teenagers and raised my own, not much has changed as far as the feelings left behind when one of their own takes his own life. First comes the why? Then often the anger; How could they do that to us? Later, they worry about spiritual matters. Isn’t suicide a mortal sin? Will my friend go to heaven? What happens now?

It is not my intention to use this space to talk about warning signs, or prevention. Maybe we’ll chat about that someday, but today, we will focus on the spiritual questions left by the sudden, tragic death of a loved one by suicide.

We can never see inside the mind of another. The why may always remain elusive, or it may be obvious and seem so trivial to those left behind. Sometimes there is a note, but I know from experience, that no note ever gives an explanation that seems good enough. We must trust, that the person who died was walking in a place that was just to dark for them to find their way through. This is the only answer that provided any comfort to us.

The anger can only be resolved with time, support and the love that God has for us. Some may find counseling helpful, or perhaps a support group, others just need to figure out their own way. One thing that helped my family was the willingness of our friends to both listen and talk to us about my brother. I still find comfort in someone bringing up a nice memory from our short time with him here.

The last thing may be the most important. I worried about my brother’s soul. After all, his suffering on earth was done, but what if he was still suffering in death. What if he went to hell?

In order to understand this, we need to look at what qualifies as a mortal sin. A mortal sin must be grave (no pun intended). Well, yes, suicide is about as serious as it gets. It must be done with full knowledge of the sin. Did my brother have knowledge that the action he was about to take was sinful? I truly don’t know. Maybe some do, maybe some don’t. Finally, the sin must be committed with deliberate consent of the sinner. Could anybody in my poor brother’s state of mind be able to make this judgment? Did he ever think to himself, “Oh, yeah, this is wrong and serious and I’m gonna choose it anyway.” I doubt it. My brother, as with most people who commit suicide, was probably in a very dark place. He saw no other way to stop the suffering. If his mind was not well, he could not make a sound judgment.

We must also remember that God is a loving and merciful God. He knows the hearts and minds of men. He sent his son to live and die for us. His mercy is never ending. We can pray, and we can trust in the mercy of God for us and for the victims of suicide.

May God bless you and grant you peace.

Mary Lou Rosien writes from her home in N. Chili, NY.  You can reach her at mrosien@rochester.rr.com or her website www.freewebs.com/catholicwriter .