5 Compromises

Parents Should NEVER Make

By Joseph P. White, Ph.D.

Successful family life often means making compromises. We often compromise our personal space, our “alone time” and our individual preferences to accommodate one another. A good parent is skilled in the art of compromise. Flexibility and adaptability enable parents to handle whatever situations may arise with their children. Still, there are some compromises no parent should make, because they could lead to physical, spiritual or emotional danger for their children. Here are five compromises parents should avoid.

1. Compromised consistency between parents.

When mom says one thing and dad says another, a child’s respect for both parents is undermined. Today’s kids get enough conflicting messages about their behavior from the culture as a whole. They need parents to stand together and give clear, consistent guidance. When parents habitually contradict one another, even the best kids will take advantage of the situation by manipulating one or both parents or by playing one parent against the other.

Inconsistency between parents can occur for various reasons. Sometimes, a lack of communication between parents regarding the rules for their child may happen in a particular situation. At other times, one parent may disagree with how the other has handled the setting of limits — for example, one parent may feel the need to rescue the child from a limit or consequence they feel is too extreme.

It is helpful for parents to engage in frequent and open discussion about rules and limits for their children, making every effort to anticipate various situations before they arise. These discussions should be private, so parents can present a united front when they convey the rules to the kids. Moms or dads who disagree with how the other parent is handling a particular issue with their children should have a private conversation so the issue can be worked out behind the scenes.

2. Compromised parental instincts.

Keeping kids safe is certainly one of the most natural and important tasks of parenting. In his book “Protecting the Gift: Keeping Children and Teenagers Safe (and Parents Sane),” well-known safety expert Gavin De Becker argues that parents have natural and reliable instincts that tell them how to make sound decisions regarding their children’s safety. Too often, parents second-guess these instincts and let their children engage in unsafe or unsupervised activities because they hear “everyone else is doing it.” Every child is different, and you as a parent have the God-given ability to decide what’s best for your youngster. Trust those gut feelings, even when it makes you unpopular.

3. Compromised messages about alcohol use.

A few years ago, it was reported in the media that some parents of middle and high school students were allowing their children to have drinking parties at home. The rationale was that teens will drink anyway, and if they do it at home, parents can at least supervise and make sure no one drives drunk. This argument is problematic for a number of reasons. First, there is no evidence that allowing kids to drink at home prevents them from drinking in other, potentially more dangerous, situations. On the contrary, sanctioning alcohol use by teens in any setting leads to increased adolescent drinking in all settings. Second, teens that drink are more likely to abuse alcohol, both in the teen years and later in life. Finally, other risks such as alcohol poisoning make adolescent drinking dangerous in any setting.

4. Compromised family time.

As a child and adolescent psychologist, I am often struck by the number of teens I see in therapy who express a longing for more time and attention from their parents. Even the toughest kids often recognize their need for the support and guidance only a parent can give. Because of their natural drive for independence and their characteristic self-consciousness, many teens are not open with their parents about their desire to be closer to them. But teens do want and need close relationships with their parents. It’s important that parents make time for family activities — and insist that their children do the same. Involving teens in family time is sometimes easier when they are able to share in the decision making about family activities.

The relationship between a child’s parents is just as important to his or her healthy development. The parent’s marriage is the child’s first and most vivid model of romantic relationships. In addition, children feel more secure when their parents have a close and healthy relationship. Be sure to take some time to deepen your relationship with your spouse. Spend some time together without the kids. In doing so, you are investing in their well-being as well.

5. Compromised faith.

When parents are asked what they want above all else for their children, some answer success, achievement or happiness.Many Catholic parents value these things as well, but place a higher priority on a close relationship with God and a life within His will.If the latter is what you seek for your child, remember that your example will be the most powerful teacher. Don’t compromise your faith. Invest in your own relationship with God and His Church. Place a high priority on visible demonstrations of faith, such as weekly Mass attendance, family prayer and works of service. Send clear messages about your beliefs. If you have difficulty with a particular Church teaching, learn as much as you can about the reasoning behind it. This approach can help you to pass on your faith confidently and consistently to your children.

--Joseph D. White, Ph.D.,works as a director of religious education and family therapist in a parish in Texas. Email him at jwhite@osv.com.