By Mike Sullivan

'Hey, did you hear...': The scoop on gossip

We have all fallen into the trap of talking behind someone's back. To get out of the habit, we must go out of our way to be just

Imagine this scenario: You just arrived at church and are preparing for confession. You get in line and a friend approaches you and exchanges a quiet greeting.

You continue mentally preparing for the sacrament and think of the sins you have committed in the past weeks until your friend suddenly whispers, "Did you hear that John and Susan are getting separated?"

Shocked by the news about your mutual friends, you reply, "No, I never knew there was a problem. They seemed like such a happy couple." Your friend replies, "I know, I just can't believe it. But then again, he was always a little weird."

You raise your eyebrows and nod in assent. Your friend continues, "I think he was having an affair." You reply, "How sad! But you're right, he is a little weird."

The confession line suddenly moves forward and you realize that you are engaging in an inappropriate conversation just before going into the confessional. You awkwardly gesture to your friend that you wish to pray and end the conversation.

But what exactly is wrong with talking about John and Susan's marital problems? First of all, it's none of your business. But more importantly, it is calling into question the good reputation of your friends.

A good reputation

The Church teaches that we're all entitled to a good reputation. We spend years building up a good reputation by doing the right thing and living in a way that earns the esteem of our fellow man. When a person intentionally harms the good reputation of another, it is a serious sin.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that we are to avoid every attitude and word that might cause unjust injury to another person's reputation. Usually these attitudes and words fall into three categories: rash judgment, detraction and calumny.

Rash judgment: when we assume as true the moral faults of another person. (You'd be guilty of rash judgment if you quickly and thoughtlessly accepted your friend's word that John had engaged in an adulterous affair.)

Detraction: when we reveal another person's faults or failings without an objectively valid reason for doing so. (You would be guilty of detraction if you were sure John had an affair and shared that fault with another person who didn't have a very good reason to know it. Sometimes it is necessary to reveal another's moral faults in order to bring about some good solution, such as when you are obliged to report a crime or when you genuinely need the input or action of a third party. But thoughtlessly revealing such moral faults simply for the sake of sharing the latest "news flash" can be a serious sin.)

Calumny: when we hurt the reputation of others by making untrue statements about them. (Your friend may have been guilty of calumny in speculating or lying about John's alleged moral faults.)

Idle talk

The above examples may seem extreme. What about when we engage in "idle talk"? How many times have you or I thoughtlessly chattered about other people with co-workers or family members with no ill intent? Is there anything wrong with such conversations?

Gossip can also be a serious sin. In fact, in the words of Benedictine Father Thomas Acklin, a teacher and spiritual director at St. Vincent College in Latrobe, Pa., "Gossip is one of those sins which can be a venial sin or a mortal sin, depending upon what kind of damage is done, to the one gossiped about as well as the ones gossiping."

In Ephesians, Paul says, "No foul language should come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for needed edification, that it may impart grace to those who hear" (4:29).

While some gossip may not be a serious sin, it opens the door to bad habits where our guard is down and we are not careful about what we say about others. As Msgr. Belford put it, "I suspect that some gossipers pretend that their words have no consequences -- that they can say anything they want and nothing will really happen."

In the words of the Apostle James: "If anyone thinks he is religious and does not bridle his tongue but deceives his heart, his religion is vain" (Jas 1:26).

It takes self-control and a strong character to guard our tongues and avoid gossip. To retrieve or make up for slanderous words about another is like trying to squeeze toothpaste back into the tube. It is just about impossible.

Another danger of gossip we may overlook is that it opposes the virtue of justice and is rooted in envy and pride.

Think about that the next time you say, "Did you see the house the Joneses bought..." When we sneer about another person's good fortune we might just be letting our pride and envy go unchecked.

Overcoming temptation

How do we overcome the temptation to gossip? As with any other vice, spiritual directors suggest that building the opposing virtue is a good step in the right direction.

Since gossip is a sin that opposes the virtue of justice, going out of our way to be just (to give others their due) is one way to build up immunity to slander or gossip. We can do this by giving people the benefit of the doubt -- even if such benefit might be doubtful.

Additionally, as Father Acklin pointed out, "If damage has been done to someone's reputation, especially if the information is false or uncertain, the persons spreading it have a responsibility to make amends."

In the example above, when your friend says that John was probably having an affair, you could respond by saying, "John, no way! He'd never do that. I've always known him to be a good man."

Furthermore, by defending the person who is being slandered, the rumor is often deflated and is less likely to be passed on to another person.

The better course would be to take the advice of St. Teresa of Avila, who said, "Be not curious about matters that do not concern thee; never speak of them, and do not ask about them." And if that's not enough, just remember the Spanish proverb: "Whoever gossips to you will gossip of you."

Closed lips: 10 ways to avoid gossiping

1. Be positive: When a person talks about the moral failings of another person, think of something positive to say about that person.

2. Look before you leap: Carefully consider your words before you speak.

3. Avoid idle banter: Ask yourself, "What are we accomplishing by this conversation?" and don't chime in.

4. Beware of the "News Flash": Don't let juicy news eat you up. Just bite your lip and prayerfully challenge yourself to be strong in resisting the temptation to gossip.

5. Question the source: When you hear something that sounds unreasonable, say so.

6. Change the subject: Find a reasonable way to steer the conversation to something edifying.

7. Avoid gossips: If you know a person has a propensity to gossip, avoid that person or suggest he or she thinks about the harm he or she is causing others.

8. Give people the benefit of the doubt: Go out of your way to think the best of others.

9. Turn to prayer: Suggest that those gossiping about someone turn their attention to praying for the other person, rather than just talking about them.

10. The buck stops here: When you hear gossip, make a commitment not to spread it.

How to undo the effects of gossip

There is a story told of a woman who spread a terrible rumor about her neighbor. She soon heard many people in her town repeating the same rumor but it had grown in viciousness.

Her neighbor was ostracized and looked down upon by the whole town. The woman felt terrible about what she had done to her neighbor and went to ask her confessor for advice.

The priest thought for a moment about what she had said and slowly responded, "Take a feather pillow to the highest point in the town and cut it open, scattering the feathers into the four winds. When you are finished, go and collect each of the feathers and you will know what you might do to take back the harm you have caused your neighbor."

The woman did as she was advised, and returned to the priest. With a sorrowful voice she said, "I did as you said but I was unable to collect all of the feathers, even after several days of searching, I could not fill the pillow again."

The confessor replied, "So it is with your hurtful words. You will never be able to completely undo the harm you have caused your neighbor."

Mike Sullivan writes from Ohio.